The moon is beautiful tonight.
I am lonely.
tirsdag den 20. juli 2010
søndag den 11. juli 2010
Midnight thoughts.
I'm not one for the viewing of sports on television and tonight the world cup in soccor has been palyed. Spain won 1-0 over Dutchland. And the guy (and his friends) who lives in the appartment above me was cheering for Spain. So now I can't sleep due to their celebrations. But it has been a HOT couple of days , and since I can't sleep when it is this warm i decided to sit out on my balcony and cool off. And as I'm sitting here now, with my view stretching towards Copenhagen and Herlev, I am deep in thought. Not really because I have that much to think about. But the past 10 month of my life runs through my thoughts, over and over again. The slow and claming music in the background, the slight chill of the wind and the wonderful darkness that surronds me tricks the most of my memories. Mostly just the music though.
but I feel... so many different things all at one time.
To those I know I have dissappionted, to those I know I have left behind, let down, not been there for when they needed me, I do appoligize. Not that it will change anything. Not that I could have done anything different than I have done it, but it hurts. Knowing I have been hurting so so much that I haven't been able to be the person both you and I had needed, wanted and expected me to be.
I am almost all glued back together now. But at a night like this, I wonder: How it is possible to feel this bad, to hurt this much - for so long. I am better now. Not every breath is a struggle any longer. Suprisingly enough, most of them has stoped hurting. I feel like I finally can breathe. Like, even though I'm going through something hard now - all my new adjustments - it is something I know I can handle. And THAT feeling, is the real me comming back.
So I've showed you my dark side. But I am moving forward now, and it feels amazing. And I neew to be bubbely for a little while !
Some nights I wonder if I will end up as the old cat lady .. but after a whole saturday with my loverable older sister, and three amazing hours at Mc Donalds with Thilde, I think not. I am loved.
Everything has a way to work it self out, and no matter how much time it might take, I will make the best of it. On this beautiful night everything seems all right again.
but I feel... so many different things all at one time.
To those I know I have dissappionted, to those I know I have left behind, let down, not been there for when they needed me, I do appoligize. Not that it will change anything. Not that I could have done anything different than I have done it, but it hurts. Knowing I have been hurting so so much that I haven't been able to be the person both you and I had needed, wanted and expected me to be.
I am almost all glued back together now. But at a night like this, I wonder: How it is possible to feel this bad, to hurt this much - for so long. I am better now. Not every breath is a struggle any longer. Suprisingly enough, most of them has stoped hurting. I feel like I finally can breathe. Like, even though I'm going through something hard now - all my new adjustments - it is something I know I can handle. And THAT feeling, is the real me comming back.
So I've showed you my dark side. But I am moving forward now, and it feels amazing. And I neew to be bubbely for a little while !
Some nights I wonder if I will end up as the old cat lady .. but after a whole saturday with my loverable older sister, and three amazing hours at Mc Donalds with Thilde, I think not. I am loved.
Everything has a way to work it self out, and no matter how much time it might take, I will make the best of it. On this beautiful night everything seems all right again.
onsdag den 7. juli 2010
A Whole New Beginning.
I have been dreaming of my new beginning forever. It feels like it.
I have needed it to come. Need to get away from the people and the past that hauntet me.
And now it's here. Right here in front of me. And I'm not sure it is what I want.
I feel so free. I'm so glad to be rid of the idiots that surrounded me at my old school. I really truely are. Even though I miss the girls I used to hang with. They are missed.
I am all excited about my new apartment. It is thrilling to be one my own for the first time.
But I am lonely. Not in the "I'm-all-alone-in-the-world" kind of way, but more in the "I-have-no-social-life-in-my-near-surroundings" kind of way. And I know it turns when I begin at my new school, when I start to meet new people, when I befrined my new colleuges.
But about them, my new work-buddies .. Well, I was so fond of my old onces, that it is so much more than hard to have to adjust into a new group of people. I hate being an unfamiliar face at a work place - which in the basics it just the same as my prirror one, but not even comes close to have the same rutines, or even humor. I can't figure it out. I know it gets better and that it takes time to be a part of the group. But before that time comes, it just plain sucks. Especially when I think of my old job. Then it just straight out tortures me.
However, I really do look forward to starting at my new school. I'm going to be a nurse. Which I know is a step down from my surgon dream, but this is much more sutied for me. and when we hit steptember I plan on becomming a scout-leader again. And THAT i am looking so much forward to ! I really am.
But . As I sit here. In my new beginning, I wonder how it is going to work out. I know I have wanted this forever. But that just doesn't make it any esaier adjusting to all the new.
I have needed it to come. Need to get away from the people and the past that hauntet me.
And now it's here. Right here in front of me. And I'm not sure it is what I want.
I feel so free. I'm so glad to be rid of the idiots that surrounded me at my old school. I really truely are. Even though I miss the girls I used to hang with. They are missed.
I am all excited about my new apartment. It is thrilling to be one my own for the first time.
But I am lonely. Not in the "I'm-all-alone-in-the-world" kind of way, but more in the "I-have-no-social-life-in-my-near-surroundings" kind of way. And I know it turns when I begin at my new school, when I start to meet new people, when I befrined my new colleuges.
But about them, my new work-buddies .. Well, I was so fond of my old onces, that it is so much more than hard to have to adjust into a new group of people. I hate being an unfamiliar face at a work place - which in the basics it just the same as my prirror one, but not even comes close to have the same rutines, or even humor. I can't figure it out. I know it gets better and that it takes time to be a part of the group. But before that time comes, it just plain sucks. Especially when I think of my old job. Then it just straight out tortures me.
However, I really do look forward to starting at my new school. I'm going to be a nurse. Which I know is a step down from my surgon dream, but this is much more sutied for me. and when we hit steptember I plan on becomming a scout-leader again. And THAT i am looking so much forward to ! I really am.
But . As I sit here. In my new beginning, I wonder how it is going to work out. I know I have wanted this forever. But that just doesn't make it any esaier adjusting to all the new.
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