Back to school

I got in. At my new education. And tomorrow is the day I begin.
I am freaking out inside! What if it is a wrong study for me?
How do I swallow my pride and tell people so if it turns out to be the case?
Are my new classmates loverable? What if they aren't ?
well. I do not know. And I don't mind not knowing, for I'm sure I'll figure it out.
All of it.
Even my rather messy financial circumstances. They are beginning to fall into place. :) .

Fall is coming. Faster than I'd like it to. but I like the winter season, So I guess it's not such a bad thing. I'm glad the summer's over. Not because it was a especially bad summer. Just for the sake of getting to begin studying again. To find myself again.
To listen to my music and draw my drawings, and sleep (as always) way to little, and read all my homework for the sake of learning while watching bad TV, and get out into the clinics and practise, and just. Find myself again. And I know It souds silly. But after living through my own personal dark ages, and moving away from a place that in the end felt like it was suffacating me, I have lost grip of who I really am.
Sure, most of my dreams and thoughts and opinions are the same. but Who am I? . and How do I feel? That is questions I keep turning over in my mind. But as far as my knowlegde is , they never stop reappering. those questions.

Nevertheless, I LOOK FORWARD TO SCHOOL , TOMORROW.

Tears

So. Never thought I'd be that kind of girl . You know, the weepy one.
But here I am. Crying. I can feel all the little pieces of my heart as they are shattered.
It sucks. It hurts.
And I wish I could make it stop.

...

The moon is beautiful tonight.
I am lonely.

Midnight thoughts.

I'm not one for the viewing of sports on television and tonight the world cup in soccor has been palyed. Spain won 1-0 over Dutchland. And the guy (and his friends) who lives in the appartment above me was cheering for Spain. So now I can't sleep due to their celebrations. But it has been a HOT couple of days , and since I can't sleep when it is this warm i decided to sit out on my balcony and cool off. And as I'm sitting here now, with my view stretching towards Copenhagen and Herlev, I am deep in thought. Not really because I have that much to think about. But the past 10 month of my life runs through my thoughts, over and over again. The slow and claming music in the background, the slight chill of the wind and the wonderful darkness that surronds me tricks the most of my memories. Mostly just the music though.
but I feel... so many different things all at one time.
To those I know I have dissappionted, to those I know I have left behind, let down, not been there for when they needed me, I do appoligize. Not that it will change anything. Not that I could have done anything different than I have done it, but it hurts. Knowing I have been hurting so so much that I haven't been able to be the person both you and I had needed, wanted and expected me to be.
I am almost all glued back together now. But at a night like this, I wonder: How it is possible to feel this bad, to hurt this much - for so long. I am better now. Not every breath is a struggle any longer. Suprisingly enough, most of them has stoped hurting. I feel like I finally can breathe. Like, even though I'm going through something hard now - all my new adjustments - it is something I know I can handle. And THAT feeling, is the real me comming back.
So I've showed you my dark side. But I am moving forward now, and it feels amazing. And I neew to be bubbely for a little while !

Some nights I wonder if I will end up as the old cat lady .. but after a whole saturday with my loverable older sister, and three amazing hours at Mc Donalds with Thilde, I think not. I am loved.

Everything has a way to work it self out, and no matter how much time it might take, I will make the best of it. On this beautiful night everything seems all right again.

A Whole New Beginning.

I have been dreaming of my new beginning forever. It feels like it.
I have needed it to come. Need to get away from the people and the past that hauntet me.
And now it's here. Right here in front of me. And I'm not sure it is what I want.
I feel so free. I'm so glad to be rid of the idiots that surrounded me at my old school. I really truely are. Even though I miss the girls I used to hang with. They are missed.
I am all excited about my new apartment. It is thrilling to be one my own for the first time.
But I am lonely. Not in the "I'm-all-alone-in-the-world" kind of way, but more in the "I-have-no-social-life-in-my-near-surroundings" kind of way. And I know it turns when I begin at my new school, when I start to meet new people, when I befrined my new colleuges.
But about them, my new work-buddies .. Well, I was so fond of my old onces, that it is so much more than hard to have to adjust into a new group of people. I hate being an unfamiliar face at a work place - which in the basics it just the same as my prirror one, but not even comes close to have the same rutines, or even humor. I can't figure it out. I know it gets better and that it takes time to be a part of the group. But before that time comes, it just plain sucks. Especially when I think of my old job. Then it just straight out tortures me.

However, I really do look forward to starting at my new school. I'm going to be a nurse. Which I know is a step down from my surgon dream, but this is much more sutied for me. and when we hit steptember I plan on becomming a scout-leader again. And THAT i am looking so much forward to ! I really am.

But . As I sit here. In my new beginning, I wonder how it is going to work out. I know I have wanted this forever. But that just doesn't make it any esaier adjusting to all the new.

Looking forward

Sometimes you need a reminder from the past, to remember how to love the present.
I did.

I am looking forward to the summer vacation , like A LOT !. I have an apartment now, and that means I'm going to be able to move away from home, getting in to my new school and just .. move forward.
But nevertheless, Yesterday, mother and me went in to see my new apartment. But there was a problem . Because this young boy - around my own age - had just moved in to the place. So up we went to the 15. floor to talk to the chairmann of the building. He did not understand how this mistake could have been made, but he promised me that he would find me another one to move into. But the one I had been promised was on the 8th floor, and oh boy a view ! I hope I can get one of same or higher hights. HOPE HOPE HOPE !!

But I decided that I would clean out my room a little at the time, and yesterday evening I found my book of memories from my boarding school. reading that made me remember who I want to be, and how to look upon the world. It might take me some time, but i'm sure I'm going to get there.

I have recived a letter from my new school saying they have recived my apply. I hope and beg and pray that I'm getting in !! :D .

Over and over again

I still miss you .. every stinken day . <|3

Mhm . So .. Easter .. Hate it . absolutely hate it. But this year noone has died yet, which is nice. :)
But Well. School sucks, the homework is a little over the top at this moment, our terms is up this week, and that's alway a bummer. I'm tired of my classmates, my teachers .. everything. So I'm looking forward to the end of it.
But I am sure I'll make it. :), only 28 days of school left !

I turn 20 this month ... uuuuuh . then I'm no longer a teen. Funny . :p .Me and my friend is celebreating it by getting a tattoo each ! ;D . on may 9th . I am so exited !!

I have also made my mind up about when I'm going to move , which is nice. It helps to have a deatline . :) .
Other than that, I really can't say nothing much has happened :)

Change of plans

First of all: IDIOT !!!!!! So what now? You're not even man enough to answer my message. I don't get you. the way you just trash me. But, Mr. Willems, I just hope you're happy. And I hope you one day will learn to be a better friend.

Sorry. Just had to get it out. All right. So it has been a while .
But, first off, I'm better. I am feeling better - in general - then I have been for a long long time.
It is a relaese to be able to breathe a little better than before. And I hope I can keep it up.
But . The future. I had all these naive plans about how I was suppose to add a few subejcts to my high school graduation, and then apply to medicin at the University of Chopenhagen. But well. I'm not smart enough, So I have spend the last couple of days being angry, being sad.
But now, I am beginning to put a new plan together. Hopefully I won't have to have my dreams shattered again.

Other than that, I have decided I'm going to get a tatto . and THAT I look forward to ! ;)
And I have about 44 days of school left before the eksams begins .. and then I'm done !

Lair ..

C: "You do this everytime! EVERYTIME! What do you have some kind of redar?! 'I might be happy so it is time to sweep in and shit all over it?!'
B:"What ? .. No. No , Look I came here to tell you something. I made a mistake. You and I.. "
C: "YOU AND I NOTHING !! You cannot do this to me again! You cannot jerk me around!"
B: "Listen.. It is different!"
C: "Oh ! It is never different! SIX years of never being different! But this is it! I am done! Don't call me ever again! Forget you know my number, in fact, forget you know my name!"


And then you come around again ! AGIAN ! and tell me this, agian?!. You know what. Screw you.
I am done waiting for you to change! I cannot go through this agian ! I won't let you do this to me again !
I love you, but I can't anymore !

I'm done.

So .. I have actually had an awesome day today. Okay, sure I could have done without the eglinsh essay, but that is just a part of it. The part where I was at the school was all right. Kinda nice to see the most of their faces again considering is has been almost a week since last time..
And work was sort of nice. All right, we could have needed a few more to take care of the people , but it went okey . We had fun . :) .
And Maria came by . Oh , I miss her so much . <3
And then, when we left from work, something entirely new happened to me .. The people who work as to look after we don't steal came by . WAW ! never had that one happen before . Most of us thought they were an urban myth ;) .

But . I am fighting inside. With my dreams for the future. And my parents so don't get me. and they treat me like .. argh .. It is frustrating ! And I'm done. I am done with living at home. I need to get out of here. I love them so much, but. I can't anymore.
But besides that , I have had a good day :)

...

I am lonely.

Time

When the coulds disasppear from you sight, and you are blinded by the atmosphere you're in, what do you do then? Adjust. Always adjust.
The onces who adjusts the best is the onces who survive the longest.
But it isn't just our eyes there needs adjusting. It is our minds. Our feelings. Our expectations. Our dreams.
And it is not always we succeed in adjusting.
Sometimes, the very sight of light is enough for us to stop walking at all. But we have to handle our battles. The good and the bad. The once we choose ourselves and the onces who chooses us. But when the battle chooses us, and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifce can turn out to be more then we can bear.
Adjusting takes sacrifices. The thing we gotta remember is that even though we fight like hell to survive, to adjust the twists and turns in life, we always seems to get out on the other side. And even when we have lost so much we lie down and scream the pain away from our wounds, we get through. We just need to give ourselves the time to heal.
To begin to sing again. And some of us needs more time to learn how to adjust new situations than others. But we have to take - and give - time.
Because, no good can comes from forcing people to adjust without giving them the chance to adjust every aspect of them selves in the process. It leaves us broken. Misunderstood. Caged inside a world we never got to understand.
It hurts when we have to reconsider our dreams and expectations. So how do we adjust?
Time. Time to find the answer. Time to lick our wounds. Time to find something else to hold onto. Time to get back up. And time to be greatful for the end of our lastest attempt to adjust. Time to dance our pain away. Time to cry. Time to think. And time to be happy again.

And I need time. Time to figure out what to do with the lastest turn in my life. Time to think about my dreams. Time to learn how to let someone new inside again. Time. Time to fly. And time to get back up when I hit the ground head on.

So tragic is it funny.

Okey . Best thing ever to get a visit by your BFF . It was .. amazing.
We talked, and laughed, and talked and laughed , and .. oh ! it was just what I needed !
It has been a long time since I've laughed myself to sleep. But we could not stop it.
Everything was .. SO funny .
Tragic, but funny . Diseases, boys, family, school, hurt feelings and a lot of tears .. We laughed it out ! We did go all izzie on our problems asses !

And Today I have been home alone all evening , and it is sooooooo nice ! I am dancing around in our living room, to the loudest music ever played in our house, and I sing along - and it sound so bad, but funny, that I can't stop .
And life still sucks, but today I laugh and dance all of it out !

I need a day more where the world can take care of it self . Please .
I might need to go back to reality tomorrow, but right now, I live .

The world is evil, and cold, and unfair, and diseases shouldn't extist !!! I am here, right here if you need me !

Pointless .

Okay .. Another week has gone.
And what have we learned from that? That life is wired and totally unfair!?
Oh .. No , wait, I already knew that. Wensday and Thursday last week were .. well .. I decided not to go to school. And it was just what I needed. Freetime. And jet again I worked another weekend away .. again.
And I am still struggeling with my brutal start on my year , but it is getting better.

But this weekend is going to be great ! ;D . Thilde is comming down, and we are planning to get wasted while we're watching Grey's anatomy . I hope it is going to cheer things up a bit .

I believe that it is important to tell the people you love, how much you love them, while they can hear you. So I love you:
Mathilde , Zindy , Trine , Rebekka , Laura & my beloved family ! <3

Crap.

Okay. I'm not saying that life is suppose to be easy, but is it suppose to be this hard?
Last year really did suck. A lot ! And so far this year is little better .
I am hopeful though. Is has only been half a month and somethings gotta give along the way.
I have changed. or lost to much or whatnot, but I gave gained so much more.
If you are like the most people I know, you give until it hurts .. and then you give some more.
What's that saying? "Why do I keep hitting my self with a hammer?" - Because it feels SO good when I stop !

Okay , School. I've only got, like ... 80 schooldays left and then it's finals. Which is AWSOME ! . There's still ALL of the borring nonsense the teachers for some reason still drags us through, but i've just gotten an asignment which ROCKS ! - we are to do some grafic design. and I LOVE IT already .

I've only got little else to report. I love you Mathilde Hansen <3

Grief

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.
Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can.
The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.